The whole point of getting a job in Victoria was to prove to my parents what I already know myself: that I am capable of handling my own life, whatever that may be, without their aid. In some cultures this is known as "growing up," or "becoming an adult." This is not the most contentious thing, in fact, my parents back it on the whole. My mother is the kind of person who wants desperately for me to move out on my own, yet move in to the house next door so I can still be home for dinner and take her grocery shopping. Having both me and my sister move out of the nest at basically the same time was hard, especially with my brother taking his first steps into university as well. You can really tell she misses us; this X-mas will be the first one where none of us are home, and this obviously makes her sad. And as much as I don't want to cause them any pain, it's an inevitability, the kids always leave home and when they swim (as opposed to sinking) you can take solace in the fact that you were a good parent, succeeding in making your children self sufficient.
I had no idea how long this experiment would go on for, but I honestly didn't see myself in Victoria come next fall. I have a few options that are getting more and more fleshed out, but none of them had to be in Victoria. I still love it here, but I don't NEED to be here. My stuff is here, and moving towards independence is much easier if you don't have to do a stint living back with your parents. Anyway, over the last week I was testing out this solid ground that I found myself on, allowing myself to look further and further forward to see what might come next. I started to seriously consider when I would be heading back to Vancouver, narrowing it down to a nearer future.
However, this week I got two calls from my mother, both during work hours. The first one was a worried mother, concerned at the size of my latest paycheque. It wasn't as much as she thought it should be, compared to the budget we had worked out. She knew how much it was because she was checking my finances online, not because I'd called her, or told her about it in anyway. It was a shorter pay period for me, which I was expecting, but she didn't know that. This is the type of thing my mother does that turns me into a snippy, loud, inconsiderate person. I love what my parents have done for me and I am so thankful to have a support structure that makes the sky the limit, always there to catch me if I don't quite make it. But when it is a part of your life unbidden, then I get annoyed. If I had called my mother, concerned, and we had worked out that our estimates were still good and everything was fine, then there's no problem. But the "helpful" phone call comes when I don't want it. She's not helping because I asked her to, she's helping because at the end of the day, she doesn't trust me to do what needs to be done. This has been established before and brought me to tears when I actually realized it. So that was a bit of a step... not backwards, but sideways. I actually expect her to keep doing this for my entire life and I don't want to change all my passwords and lock her out of my accounts because, at the end of the day, she's my mother and my accountant. I just wish she'd treat me differently. This is also historically hard to bring up, since she doesn't think I SHOULD make that much of a gap between us as I haven't proven myself yet. Hence the independence thing.
The second call was worse, I think. We had worked out the plans for Thanksgiving as well. I am really excited to get back to Vancouver for next weekend. Since X-mas isn't going to be what it normally is, we're doing our big family gathering for Thanksgiving. I am also looking forward to seeing my friends in Vancouver, of course, since I've made it a thing over the summer to see them almost twice a month and I rather like that. Anyway, the siblings get in on Friday, dinner was on Sunday, so I was trying to get a sense of what was required of me before making plans to see other people. The second phone call was to tell me that dad and mom had decided that I should spend Saturday with my brother and sister, instead of trying to see everyone of my friends on Saturday. Yup. It wasn't a "Hey, your siblings are actually leaving early on Monday so you won't get to see them that much, maybe you should think about doing something on Saturday." It was a decision that my parents made, totally removed from any input from said siblings. So that brought my thoughts of wrapping things up in Victoria to a bit of a halt.
So am I going to have to wait them out on my island until I've earned some respect as a 23 year old university graduate? Well, there's a problem with that. The problem is, it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that I want to be in Vancouver. Today at work the guy who works Saturdays quit. Normally it's me and my roommate Tristan who work the week, then we get our Saturdays off because Steve worked when he wasn't in school, and the store is closed on Sundays. Due to the rotation of opening/closing shifts, I get a semi long weekend every two weeks where I can go and visit the mainland. Now, Tristan and I work 35 hours a week, so with Steve gone we'll probably take up that shift somehow too. That either means I'll get to work 40+ hours a week or a nice round 40. This would mean I would definitely have enough to meet my expenses and so should actually be seen as a good thing. The only thing it affects is my Vancouver time, and this is what upsets me.
What working a steady job has given me is an appreciation for my free time. I don't just waste it away online, I make an effort to go out and do things with people. Having disposable income is good for that too. However it has also forced me to decide who I want to spend this time with, and frankly, she's in Vancouver. Hell, they're in Vancouver. I don't want this to sound like I'm talking down to the wonderful circle of friends I have here. And it's not like I would never see them, I go back and forth enough between places as is. But if I think about any two people who want my time and if I had to decide between them, the answer is always the same.
Now, there are problems with this. Is the grass just greener from where I am standing? I've always been one to try and accommodate everyone, believing the more the merrier, and delighting in the socializing and entertaining everyone. But this focusing of free time has really shown me how, I dunno, shallow that is. I've always been concerned that I don't have any "real" friends because I keep everyone at a comfortable distance from me. It gives me great social skills to be able to do that. It means I never make any enemies, I can fit in to any situation with the slightest entry point, but the number of people I've actually let close to me I could count on one hand. And I've never really seen any reason why I shouldn't keep it that way. Until now. I feel disingenuous because I have friends I've kept up with since high school and I feel like they don't know me, nor I them. This also comes from me being very non-confrontational, never offering anything of myself in case it isn't well received, though jumping right in to as far as I think they want me to if given the invitation. I've always felt that if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and I am only now thinking that it might be broke.
One of the reasons I wanted to stay in Victoria, and now the reason I want to go back to Vancouver, actually, is because I have friends here. Tristan moved out here a year ago because I got him to, and that's been an excuse, but I think I've done all I can on that front. Sean H. already moved back to Vancouver and frankly, I miss him! Sean B. might still come out here to finish his degree. He was going to earlier this year, which would have made this stage a lot harder, but he's still in Vancouver and yeah, it's been a while since we lived in the same city too. Drea just got a job out here so she might accept and move here as well, which would be great and I really don't want to leave right before then. My dad voiced his concerns that I was letting my life be driven by my friends. After university, people move, they get jobs, they get married, they get responsibilities that override friendship, and letting that dictate my life was not a good idea. And yet, it's the entire focus of what I do. I can be happy anywhere, doing anything. It's the people in my life that shape who I am. Alone, I am boring. Content, but boring.
So what am I trying to say here? I'm saying I need to have a straight up, deep, meaningful conversation with at least one person to see where things stand. If all things are equal, I'd stay in Victoria - it's just easier that way. But people are people too! Some things don't wait a year or two. Some times you need to be honest with yourself, about yourself, regardless of what others say or think. As usual, I know what I want, but I don't want it as much as the next person. If my wanting gets in the way of your wanting, go for it. I actually and honestly don't mind. That's certainly not good enough for some things, but it's all I'm used to and all I know how to do. While it doesn't REALLY matter which city I'm in, it's still a big decision. And historically I can't be trusted to make these decisions.
Man, my life has changed so much in the last month. And that's not even true, but it feels like it has. There are cracks in my certainty, flickers of perspective from the other side of things. I feel like I'm growing but also like I should have grown far earlier. I can almost feel myself being shaped by forces I've been outside of for so long. I like the way things are now, but with a bit of risk they could get much, much better, if I want them to. And I think I do.
~Dave
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tired
calm
pensive
contemplative
grateful
awake